I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new
by DedicatedToTwilight
Summary: Dan's serial on Serena van der Woodsen is finally released.


_**Serena.**_

There is a reason why I have left this particular one till the end, and that is the fact that for a long time, the things going through my head about Serena van der Woodsen were judgemental, horrible, harsh, confusing, overwhelming, perfect ideas that I had no clue what to do with.

I arrived to the conclusion that she is three things.

Firstly, Serena is the epitome of an Upper East Side princess. You open her walk-in closet, and you need a map just so you don't get lost. If you counted all her pairs of shoes and multiplied that number by the average price of one pair (a cool $2000), the amount of money spent on footwear would probably be enough to save a small country from financial disaster. She has more pairs of coloured tights than anyone would ever realistically need. She's been to more galas and balls than she has supermarkets, and I can guarantee that she still has no clue how to drive a car, because 'that's what drivers are for'. She loves the attention, the ruthless comments of the media around her. She loves being in the spotlight, and she knows that people care what she thinks. She gets observed by every male specimen around her, regardless of their marital status, and her sexuality is her most powerful weapon. She is, after all, an it-girl.

Everything's been handed to her since she opened her eyes in this perfect bubble she calls 'the real world'. She's always expected people to believe she deserved everything that she wanted, and she doesn't stop at anything before she gets it. Even if that means hurting those that mattered to her. She is ruthless in that sense; she had sex with her best friend's boyfriend on a bar at some wedding, because that was who she wanted at that moment. She took Blair for granted; 'she'll get over it at some point'. She almost got married in Barcelona, she almost destroyed a politician's marriage, she's the kind of girl that gets lost in the moment, forgets her head, spontaneous and reckless, and regrets things after they happen.

_That_ is exactly what Serena van der Woodsen is. A reckless Upper East Side princess.

A princess with a heart. As beautiful and mesmerising on the inside as she is on the outside. And this is not common among girls bred for money and status. She is everything I've already said, when the need for it arises. Serena is intelligent, and witty, and she has more ability to survive anything and everything than anyone I have ever known. She can adjust the person she is into the one she needs to be, in order to remain at the top of the food chain.

There must be a reason Blair Waldorf has always been so insecure around her.

But, unlike Blair, there is a side of Serena that is malleable, and soft. She is a girl with Daddy-issues, a girl that's always lived under the careful gaze of a judgemental mother. She wants to please people, tries so hard to make the ones around her as happy as she thinks they deserve to be. After the eventful night of the wedding and the death of a drug addict, years ago, Serena left town. Because she couldn't cope with the guilt? Maybe. Because she wanted Nate to only be Blair's? Definitely.

They say the scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget you. Serena is the kind of person that wants to be missed, not forgotten. The kind of person that touches your life once, and you never forget. But she wasn't scared to take that risk, the risk of becoming _irrelevant _in a world where relevance is everything, in order to make her best friend happy.

The most enchanting thing about her, however, is the effect she has on the people whose lives she exits. And the best example of this is the one I can relate most to; my own.

The first time you fall in love, it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away. The first time you fall in love with Serena van der woodsen, well, you never really fall out of love with her.

There used to be a time in my life when she was just the one I thought about. All day, every day. I saw her at a party, and wrote a story about her. She was mysterious, and beautiful, and God, her eyes sparkled just a bit too much when I would sneak a glance in her direction, if I was lucky enough to walk past her in the school halls.

The day she asked me out in her typical Serena fashion, I thought I was just in the right place at the right time. That wonderful Christmas Eve when everything fell into place, I knew I was the luckiest guy in the world.

A lot of things happened between us since, and so many have brought us together only to break us apart. But through all of it, I've learnt that a girl can be your best friend, girlfriend, worst enemy or the best thing that's happened to you. It just depends on how you treat her.

When _I _started taking _her_ for granted, she became none of the things above. I pushed her away from my world, a world that has morphed into my greatest desire and my greatest nightmare, and she didn't put up a fight, because she decided that was what made me happy. I can now honestly say I regret making her come to that conclusion.

I can't quite explain what went through my head when I 'fell in love' with Blair. But I know exactly what I was thinking with regards to Serena during that time.

The ones who love you will never leave you, because even if there are a hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on. That is the way I used to love her, and that is the way I thought, secretly knew, she would love me, too. But the moment she let go, was the moment I realised she stopped loving me. And that was unparalleled to the moment Blair chose Chuck, like it was written in the stars for her to do. It was the moment I felt anger, and regret, and hatred for myself, because I kept her waiting, just because I knew she would. Only nothing good lasts forever.

It's crazy how you can go months or years without really talking to someone, but they still cross your mind every day. _She _does. She crosses my mind every day.

She inspires me to conclude this serial with a final statement about myself. Because we're Dan and Serena; we're meant to work together, and the best, real, genuine things about me are only brought out by her. So here it goes.

**Daniel.**

I regret the things I didn't do when I had the chance. She hugged me on a bench in the school courtyard, in the dark, and said that we kept trying to act like we could overcome anything. I should have told her I wasn't acting.

She said we either sank or swum, and I talked about being ready when that moment arrived. I should have kissed her right there and then, and told her we would swim.

She strung the words Dan Humphrey, I love you, and always in the same sentence, and I left the wedding of her best friend _with_ her best friend. I should have said it back.

She said it again the morning after we had sex, and I said I never wanted to see her again. I should have taken her hand and begged for forgiveness, because she still loved me, after everything we, the people who were meant to always love her, put her through.

But I didn't do any of the things I should have, and now she is happy, I hope, with some rich bastard that owns a pharmaceutical company. The irony is, I had my chances with the same girl, and blew every single one because I am the arrogant, ignorant, judgemental prick everyone thinks I am, that doesn't actually deserve her. I lost my family, I lost my best friend, but nothing hurts quite as much as losing the girl I love.

I finally understood what that meant; you love someone when you care for their happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be. Serena taught me that. And she is a great teacher.


End file.
